R.J.
2022 · 643 words
Growing up, I had an enormous Barbie Dreamhouse with many dolls. However, one Barbie stood out from all the rest. Malibu Barbie looked like the picture-perfect girl with her beach-blond hair tied into a slick ponytail, stunning blue eyes that glistened, and an eye-catching hot pink swimsuit. And I imagined her having a picture-perfect life of days filled with endless fun -- swimming with dolphins, surfing at sunset, driving her friends around in her convertible. I also imagined Malibu Barbie as always having a sunny and outgoing demeanor free of flaws. Throughout my freshman and sophomore years of high school, I tried to present an idealized Barbie-like version of myself to the world. I appeared to be an always enthusiastic, independent young woman who knew exactly who she was. But I was lost, unsure of my identity and what I wanted from life. I covered up my fear of vulnerability with jokes and smiles. I wouldn't share my emotions and insecurities with my friends. However, there were always holes in my facade as there were chips in Barbie's perfect image. Who was I under all the loudness, extroversion, and playfulness?
At the beginning of junior year, I began feeling ill. At first, my family and I couldn't figure out what exactly was wrong. Weekly hospital trips and missing school for long periods of time became my normal. I was finally diagnosed with mono in mid-December, and my life took a turn. Instead of packing my schedule with activities such as soccer, track, school clubs, and going out with friends, I slowed down. Now that I had a lot of time on my hands and was able to reflect, I was faced with the hardest question of my life: who am I really?
During this period, I learned to appreciate my time alone. I read more, which introduced me to many characters I admired, including Elizabeth Bennett, the main character of one of my favorite Jane Austen books, Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth Bennett inspired me because she was an independent, strong willed, kind, and witty woman. Yet, she could be quick to judge and prideful. It was illuminating for me to see complex female characters who weren't perfect. I also spent more time with my older brother. Though people have always considered us complete opposites, I learned that we were a lot more similar than we had thought. We're both very passionate and thoughtful people. He showed me that I was never alone, and that having a strong family is very valuable. I even came to appreciate my friends more by seeing them less. I cherish the smaller moments I have with them more now.
Through the experience of having to step back and reflect, I've discovered new things about myself. Taking care of myself is important to me. Instead of channeling all my energy into others, I now focus more on myself. Writing poems has become an outlet for me to express my emotions. I've ended relationships with "friends" who only valued my smiling and joking sides and now surround myself with people who respect my uncertainty with myself. I'm okay knowing that I don't have everything figured out and that I'm still a growing person.
Although I'm still on my journey towards finding myself, I feel a little closer than before. Instead of seeing myself as a girl aimlessly driving around in a convertible, I see myself as someone who has the drive to achieve her goals. I realize I'd rather be kind and sensitive than a shallow piece of plastic. In the past, I had perceived Malibu Barbie as the ideal woman for her beauty and sunny beach-girl persona. Now, I've come to appreciate that I'm a lot more than that. I don't have to hide who I am to feel loved and valued. I'm enough just being my authentic self.